Before my husband died I would have told you I was in total control of my life. I had my entire future with my husband planned. We were going to retire and move to Colorado and enjoy our golden years together. Then April 1, 2008 turned my world upside down. My father died suddenly in 1986 at the age of 49. You would think I would have realized then that circumstances could change instantly, but I felt this did not apply to me. Once Richie died I started to realize control was truly an illusion.
How many of you reading this feel you control your life and the events in it. We all assume we have another day. We assume we are in control of our immediate surroundings and we know what will happen next. I thought so too. I am sure the people attending the concert in Las Vegas thought they would enjoy good music and just go home or continue with their vacations. The 3000 plus people on September 11, 2001 also thought it was just another day. I could go on and on of people finding themselves in totally different situations in a split second. Truth is control is truly an illusion and not one of us is in control of our world. When I realized this it made it easier to just let go of the past and stop trying to plan for a future I don’t know I have. Rather, I try to just live in the day I am in.
George and I talk about retiring to Hawaii some day or having a place in Maine. I let him dream and continue to think it is a foregone conclusion we will grow old together. I want to grow old with George and living in Hawaii sounds wonderful. However, my past experiences have taught me that nothing and not one day is guaranteed. My life is full and I am truly happy where I am right this minute. If George and I are fortunate enough to move to Hawaii and grow old together I would love that, but I am not taking for granted what I have now with him.
Finally, I have learned to choose my battles and I continue to learn which battles are not worth my time. I still think about all the people I have lost in my life and I do miss them, but I remember the fond times and keep them in my past. I focus on the life I have now and the people in it. Have I made mistakes I wish I could take back? The answer is yes and no, because the mistakes are where we become richer and more interesting people. I continue to strive in letting go what I can’t change. My goal now is to be the best me I can be each and every day. Does this mean I am always successful? Hell no! But I keep trying. I hope you do the same and find peace in knowing none of us is in control.